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Golden Mediterranean Salmon Cakes with Spinach and Feta

 

TVD’s Manly Mediterranean Salmon Cakes (Ottolenghi-Style with Sirene and Capers)

Crispy salmon cakes with a custom za’atar blend, fresh herbs, crumbly sirene, and briny capers, inspired by Ottolenghi’s NOPI cod cakes and Salmon Cakes with Capers and Dill. Paired with your tahini-herb tarator for Thomist’s Mediterranean triumph.

Ingredients

• Custom Za’atar Mix:

  • 1 tsp dried thyme

  • 1 tsp roasted sesame seeds (toast in a dry pan if raw)

  • 1 tsp sumac

  • 1/4 tsp ground cumin

  • 1/4 tsp ground coriander

  • 1/4 tsp dried oregano

• 1 large can (14.75 oz) salmon, drained (reserve liquid) OR 1 lb cooked salmon, flaked

• 1 small can (6 oz) crabmeat, drained (reserve liquid, optional; if skipping, use 1/2 cup crumbs)

• 1 cup frozen chopped spinach, thawed and thoroughly drained

• 1/2 cup crumbled Bulgarian white cheese (sirene, sheep’s milk, drained for feta texture)

• 4 celery stalks, finely diced

• 1/4 cup minced dried onion (or 2 tbsp onion powder)

• 2 cloves garlic, minced

• 1 tbsp drained capers, roughly chopped

• 2 tbsp mayonnaise

• 3/4 cup almond flour (or smashed crackers/matzo meal; 1/2 cup if no crabmeat)

• 1 large egg, beaten

• Juice of 1/2 lemon (1 tbsp) + 1 tsp lemon zest

• 2 tsp finely chopped fresh parsley

• 2 tsp finely chopped fresh mint

• 1 tsp finely chopped fresh dill (or 1 tsp dried dill)

• 1 tsp custom za’atar mix

• 1/4 tsp smoked paprika

• 1/4 tsp regular paprika

• 1/4 tsp ground allspice

• Pinch of red pepper flakes

• No added salt (sirene, capers, tarator are salty)

• Olive oil, for frying

• Fresh parsley, mint, and dill leaves (if available), for garnish

• 1/2 tsp custom za’atar mix, for finishing sprinkle

• Pre-made tahini-herb tarator sauce, for serving

Equipment

• Small bowl (for za’atar mix)

• Large mixing bowl

• Colander and cheesecloth (for spinach and sirene)

• Cast-iron skillet (or non-stick frying pan)

• Spatula

• Measuring cups and spoons

• Paper towels

• Sharp knife and cutting board

Instructions

1. Make Za’atar: In a small bowl, mix 1 tsp dried thyme, 1 tsp roasted sesame seeds, 1 tsp sumac, 1/4 tsp cumin, 1/4 tsp coriander, and 1/4 tsp oregano. Set aside 1 tsp for patties and 1/2 tsp for garnish.

2. Prep Sirene: Drain 6–8 oz sirene in cheesecloth, press with a weight in the fridge for 4–8 hours, or air-dry crumbles for 12–24 hours for feta texture. Crumble into pea-sized bits (~1/2 cup).

3. Prep Spinach: Thaw 1 cup frozen chopped spinach. Squeeze dry in cheesecloth until no liquid remains. Chop finer if needed.

4. Prep Herbs and Capers: Finely chop 2 tsp each of fresh parsley, mint, and dill (if using fresh). Roughly chop 1 tbsp drained capers. Reserve 5–6 herb leaves for garnish.

5. Mix It Up: In a large bowl, gently combine salmon, crabmeat (if using), spinach, celery, minced dried onion (or onion powder), garlic, capers, mayo, almond flour, egg, lemon juice, lemon zest, parsley, mint, dill, 1 tsp za’atar mix, smoked paprika, regular paprika, allspice, and red pepper flakes. Add 1–2 tbsp reserved salmon/crab liquid for a medium-wet mix. Fold in sirene last.

6. Chill: Cover and chill in fridge for 1 hour or freezer for 30 minutes for firm patties.

7. Form Patties: Shape into 10 compact patties, ~2 inches wide.

8. Fry: Heat a thin layer of olive oil in a cast-iron skillet over medium heat. Add patties in batches, cooking undisturbed for 12 minutes until golden. Flip and cook 10 more minutes.

9. Drain and Garnish: Transfer to paper towels. Sprinkle with 1/2 tsp za’atar mix and garnish with parsley, mint, and dill leaves (if using).

10. Serve: Serve warm with tarator sauce on the side (1–2 tsp per serving). Pair with a cucumber-tomato salad (toss with olive oil, red wine vinegar, pinch of za’atar), fries, or coleslaw.

Yield

~10 patties

Notes

• Texture: Ensure spinach and sirene are bone-dry. If mix is wet, add 1 tbsp extra almond flour.

• Flavor: Taste mix before chilling. If za’atar or capers are mild, add 1/4 tsp sumac or lemon zest. Allspice adds warmth; keep light.

• Storage: Refrigerate leftovers (airtight, 3 days). Freeze uncooked patties between parchment (3 months). Reheat in skillet or 350°F oven for 10 minutes.

• Substitutions: Crackers for almond flour; tuna for crabmeat; cayenne for red pepper flakes. Store extra za’atar mix airtight.

Why the GOP doesn't cut spending

 Democrat demagoguery. 

Frozen Pizza Hack

 

Red Baron is ass. Keep in a decent pizza like Freshetta. THAW IT FIRST.

Then peel off as much as you can and reconstruct the pizza from sauce up, adding more [and more!] cheese, plus whatever meats, fresh veggies [onion!] you have about.

Now you have a pizza!

If you have a pizza stone or cookie sheet, good. With all the ingredients at room temp, we're emulating a pizza parlor. Fire up your oven to MAX. It won't be 900 degrees but let's shoot for 525.

I like a little olive oil on the crust rim before and after. Then rock! Trust me on this one.

ass

 

Texas-Louisiana Ham Fat Chili

 

Texas-Louisiana Ham Fat Chili

• Ham Fat: 6 oz, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
• Ground Beef: 1 lb (85/15)
• Onion: 1 medium, diced
• Ortega Mild Green Chiles: 2 tbsp (from 4-oz can, rinsed if needed)
• Garlic: 2 cloves, minced (or 1/2 tsp garlic powder)
• Tomato Paste: 1-2 tbsp (frozen)
• Canned Fire-Roasted Tomatoes: 15 oz (or 28 oz, use 1.5 cups broth)
• Canned Kidney Beans: 15 oz, rinsed and drained
• Canned Pinto Beans in Chili Sauce: 15 oz, undrained
• Beef Broth: 2 cups (or water with 1 tsp bouillon; 1.5 cups for 28 oz tomatoes)
• Coffee: 2 tbsp (leftover brew)
• Worcestershire Sauce: 1 tsp
• Apple Cider Vinegar: 1 tsp
• Molasses: 1 tsp
• MSG: 1/4 tsp (optional, for umami)
• Spices:
• Cumin: 2 tsp
• Coriander: 1 tsp
• Oregano: 1 tsp (Mexican if available)
• Smoked Paprika: 1/2 tsp
• Black Pepper: 1/8 tsp
• Cinnamon: 1/8 tsp (optional)
• Thyme: 1/4 tsp (optional, dried)
• Bay Leaf: 1

Instructions

1. Render Ham Fat (10-15 minutes):
• In a heavy-bottomed pot over low to medium-low heat, add 6 oz ham fat pieces.
• Stir occasionally until fat melts into 1/4-1/3 cup liquid and solids are golden, 10-15 minutes.
2. Sauté Aromatics (5-7 minutes):
• Increase heat to medium. Add diced onion and 2 tbsp Ortega chiles.
• Sauté until onions are soft and golden, 5-7 minutes.
• Add minced garlic (or 1/2 tsp garlic powder) and cook 30 seconds.
3. Brown Ground Beef (8-10 minutes):
• Add 1 lb ground beef, breaking into chunks.
• Cook until browned, 8-10 minutes. Do not drain unless fat is excessive.
• Deglaze with 2 tbsp broth, scraping up browned bits.
4. Bloom Spices and Tomato Paste (1-2 minutes):
• Add half the spices: 1 tsp cumin, 1/2 tsp coriander, 1/4 tsp smoked paprika, 1/2 tsp oregano, 1/8 tsp black pepper, 1/8 tsp cinnamon (if using), 1/8 tsp thyme (if using).
• Add 1-2 tbsp tomato paste. Stir and cook 1-2 minutes until fragrant and paste darkens.
5. Start Simmer with Base Ingredients (30 minutes):
• Stir in remaining spices: 1 tsp cumin, 1/2 tsp coriander, 1/4 tsp smoked paprika, 1/2 tsp oregano, 1/8 tsp thyme (if using).
• Add 15 oz fire-roasted tomatoes, 2 tbsp coffee, 1 tsp Worcestershire, 1 tsp molasses, 1 bay leaf, and 2 cups beef broth (1.5 cups for 28 oz tomatoes).
• Bring to a boil, then reduce to low, partially cover, and simmer 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.
6. Add Beans and Long Simmer (1-1.5 hours):
• Add 15 oz kidney beans and 15 oz pinto beans with chili sauce.
• Simmer on low, partially covered, for 1-1.5 hours more (total 1.5-2 hours), stirring gently every 20-30 minutes to prevent sticking.
• Check at 1.5 hours; stop if beans soften too much or flavors peak. Chili should be thick but not pasty. Skim excess fat if needed.
7. Finish with MSG and Vinegar (Last 5-10 minutes):
• Stir in 1/4 tsp MSG and 1 tsp apple cider vinegar.
• Taste and adjust salt (ham fat and broth may suffice), spices, or thickness (mash a few beans if too thin; add 1/4 cup broth if too thick).

Famous Photo

 

Lazy Thomist’s Chicken Quesadillas

 

Lazy Thomist’s Chicken Quesadillas

Ingredients (Serves 1-2, adjust as needed):

• 2-4 medium flour tortillas (8-inch work great)
• 1 cup cooked chicken, shredded or chopped
• 1 cup shredded cheese (cheddar, Monterey Jack, or Mexican blend)
• 1/4 cup salsa verde (for filling or dipping)
• Optional Veggies (pick what you’ve got):
  • 1/4 cup red onion, thinly sliced
  • 1/4 cup bell pepper (any color), diced
  • 1 jalapeño, seeded and diced (if you like heat)
• Spices (optional, for sautéing):
  • 1/2 tsp cumin
  • 1/2 tsp smoked paprika
  • Pinch of chili powder
• Olive oil (via your atomizer)
• Optional: Sour cream, extra salsa verde, or fresh cilantro for serving

Equipment:

• Emeril toaster oven-air fryer convection oven
• Small skillet (for sautéing veggies)
• Spatula

Steps:

1. Sauté Veggies (Optional, ~5 min):
   • Heat a small skillet over medium heat. Spray a light mist of olive oil from your atomizer.
   • Toss in onion, bell pepper, and/or jalapeño. Sprinkle with cumin, smoked paprika, and chili powder (if using). Sauté 3-4 minutes until soft but not mushy. Set aside.
   • Why sauté? Adds depth and keeps veggies from being too watery in the quesadilla. Skip if you’re feeling extra lazy—raw veggies work too.
2. Prep Fillings:
   • In a bowl, mix shredded chicken with 1-2 tbsp salsa verde for flavor (optional). Keep cheese and sautéed (or raw) veggies ready.
3. Assemble Quesadillas:
   • Lay one tortilla flat. Sprinkle a thin layer of cheese (about 2 tbsp) on half or the whole tortilla.
   • Add a layer of chicken (about 1/4 cup per quesadilla), then veggies (if using). Top with another 2 tbsp cheese to “glue” it together.
   • Fold the tortilla in half (if using half-fill method) or place another tortilla on top (if full). Press gently.
4. Cook in Emeril Oven (~8-10 min):
   • Preheat your Emeril toaster oven to 375°F (190°C) on the air fry or bake setting.
   • Lightly spray both sides of the quesadilla with your olive oil atomizer for crispiness. (Pro tip: This keeps cleanup minimal and ensures a golden finish.)
   • Place quesadilla on the oven’s tray or basket. Cook for 4-5 minutes, flip with a spatula, and cook another 3-4 minutes until golden and cheese is melty.
   • Check halfway to avoid overcooking—your oven’s convection might cook faster.
5. Serve:
   • Slice into wedges with a knife or pizza cutter. Serve with salsa verde, sour cream, or a sprinkle of cilantro if you’re feeling fancy.
   • Retro me Satanas flourish: Plate it with a defiant grin, as if you’ve just outwitted culinary mediocrity. 😈

Tips:

• Atomizer Use: A quick spritz on each side of the tortilla is enough—don’t soak it. This mimics frying without the mess.
• Lazy Hack: Skip sautéing and just toss raw veggies in. They’ll cook slightly in the oven.
• Cleanup: Use parchment paper or the oven’s tray to keep your Emeril pristine.
• Timing: Total prep and cook time is ~15-20 minutes, less if you skip veggies.

cole STUFFA Kai

 

 

 

 That chick in the back seat in the Carmax commercial that says, "No, you only did it thrice," SEVENTEEN times a game must die.

Or at least a bad case of diarrhea. Something. The universe demands justice.

 

TEAM!

 

I AM SHAI: DO NOT FOUL. DO NOT COME NEAR.

 

 

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Kobe and Jordan 2024