Crab-Salmon Croquettes, or: The Idiot's Guide to Heaven on Earth

For your consideration, in guy-recipe form:


TVD's Crab-Salmon Croquettes

1 big can salmon (drained, reserve liquid)
1 little can crabmeat (ditto)
4 diced celery stalks
1/4 cup minced green onions, onions, or a little dried onion, onion powder, whatever
1 golfball-sized hunk of mayo
3/4 cup smashed crackers or matzo meal, or a combo of both
5 splashes Worcestershire sauce
1 or 2 eggs, whipped up with a fork
Juice of a 1/2 a lemon, or a blast of that ReaLemon® that's been sitting in your fridge for like 12 years


any dried seafood seasoning
lotsa paprika
cayenne pepper
go easy on the salt, if you use any at all


Paradise. 

(If you don't have crabmeat, just use the salmon and only 1/2 a cup of the cracker crumbs. Tuna fish will do in a pinch, too.)


Mix it all up gently in a bowl, easy does it. We don't want a paste. Add the reserved liquid a little at a time, just enough to keep it medium-wet.

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**CRITICAL MYSTERY SOLVED** Before cooking, put the mixture in the fridge for an hour first or the freezer for 30 minutes, and your croquettes won't fall apart, leaving you with fried fish dust. This is the secret for all successful croquettes.
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Make little hockey pucks out of the cooled mixture. Preheat a frying pan with a thin layer of oil (butter's even better), and put your hockey pucks in. DO NOT TOUCH them for at least 12 minutes---they have to set up. You can smush them down a little with the spatula (that's an egg turner thingee). When the bottoms are safely brown, you can turn 'em over and finish them off with another 10 minutes of cooking. Put them on a plate covered by a couple of paper towels.


You can lo-cal them using only a little oil or butter in the pan---just cook 'em under a lower heat for a little longer. The mayo makes 'em creamy, but if they're still a little dry for you, Campbell's Cream of Celery soup (no water) heated up is a great topping sauce. Don't be afraid---even the cookbooks say it's OK.

Put some parsley on top. Civilized people do that.


Makes about 10 hockey pucks. Try 'em with fries, a splash of vinegar, maybe some cole slaw. Now you're stylin'.